@caseytduncan

I know karate and tons of other words.

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@LuvPug

If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.

@TheCatWhisprer

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

@SoVeryBritish

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

@BlindChow

“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.

I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.

@aveuaskew

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

@Xoolun

My wife said she wants to be treated like gold on her birthday.

Apparently, locking her in the safe wasn’t what she had in mind.

@pilau

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed