I know karate and tons of other words.

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If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.


Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.


“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>



“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.

I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.


But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?


My wife said she wants to be treated like gold on her birthday.

Apparently, locking her in the safe wasn’t what she had in mind.


I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed