i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
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I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
saving face 👀
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re saying things like, “That’s a pretty building.”
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
my favorite genre of twitter
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.