Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?

The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.

I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.

Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.

I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.

*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter

My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.

My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”

cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die

I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…

genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes

me: i wish for unlimited genies

genie: son of a

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.

[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

What kind of a cult is this?

Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!

Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?

9: You

Me: What about me?

9: You won’t think its as funny as we do

[Observation Ward]

Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-

Doctor 1: Take his phone

Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago

Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?

A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.

Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.