i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
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The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
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Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.