I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
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Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
So sorry
