Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.

Cop: do you know why I stopped…

Me: *holding up hand for a high five*

Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…

Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*

Cop: what are you, Umm

Me: *i hold eye contact* hi

Cop: *blushing* hi lol

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom

Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?

-my 7 year old making the best of her public education

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.

GOD: I call them Water Buffalo

ANGEL: But they live on land

GOD: Yep

ANGEL:

GOD:

ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u

GOD: Not a bit

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.

[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”

Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.

The Punning Dead.

*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*

“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.

Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.

You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.

me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time

My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.

To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?

It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”

“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger