I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
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Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass