I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
You Might Also Like
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?