Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.

She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago

Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*

Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall

At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.

After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.

Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.

I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

Sure. I lift.

*lifts donut to mouth*

If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home

[Me on Shark Tank]

*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*

I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families

Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?

Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?

DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news

SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time

Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.

I didn’t hear “to work.”

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.

At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.