I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
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My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
I have a new favorite meme page
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
I am also baked goods
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.
me: ask them who their CEO is
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.