Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites

Middle Earth: Yay

Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

Rich people don’t understand cereal

Turns out if you ask your neighbor who his favorite serial killer is he’ll stop trying to talk to you & I just wish I’d thought of this sooner.

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.

gender is a sprctrum

Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”

He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

!!!!!!!!!!!

why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax

7: [eating a bunch]

me:

7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.

me: that’s a good way to put it.

Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.

In high stakes spycraft, no one suspects the clumsy woman. They call me The Black Oops.

*phone rings*

Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!

Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.

If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist

My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence

I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus

Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.

Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…

“How did your

*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*

favorite sports team do in their

*looks down again*

sporting contest today?”

I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.