“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
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[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Cat.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.