Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.

here is what. i plan to accomplish today:

2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.

at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom

My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”

[shopping]

My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!

Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

[at the general store]

me: one general please

Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’

got my gf a manicure for our anniversary

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true

men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want

What do we want?
SNACKS!

When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!

– kids.

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.

Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.