Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.

So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options

A classic example of a cat being a cat.

i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer

The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.

My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?

me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets

girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda

Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*

Me: I love eating nerds

Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)

Me: no, not that kind.

i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break

Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son

Hear me out.

The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.

The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.

It’s a system I think would work.

I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.

Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night

There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected

I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot