I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
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Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s time to send me my weekly allowance for cheese
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.