I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
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A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are