I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
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Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.