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I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Every time my phone rings
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*