I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
You Might Also Like
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks