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If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Meow
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.