Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.

Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.

You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.

Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid

Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*

A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.

Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.

I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.

My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”

PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.

ME: Is it saying anything?

PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…

Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral

Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?

Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.

Guard: visiting hours are up.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.

THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola

I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”