Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!

Farmer: Yes I did

Farmer’s second head: WE did

my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

Team leader: This is a do or die situation.

Me: It absolutely is not.

If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

Nice try, NASA

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.

nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead

me: let’s find out

nurse: but he-

me: SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what are u-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it

FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok

A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.

I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me

Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.

Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone

Toddler: What’s for dinner?

Me: Fish cakes.

Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!

Me:

Me:

Me:

Me: ……. Sure.