Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried

[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”

Doing your job.

“And me?”

Jobless and upset about the divorce

“OMG” *runs out crying*

*aliens return to ship*

ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?

“We left them”

AL: Why?

“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”

If you are reading this then you are reading this

In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.

lmfao

90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.

[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.

think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.

Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams

Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.

Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?

“No thanks.”

Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…

“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”

YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.

Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days

Some people are glistening beacons of nope.

me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know

Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24

Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression

Hang in there buddy

Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign

Coworker: did you get a tan?

Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan