Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sneezy geese carry a honkerchief

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?

I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.

It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me: “William”

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.

At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!

”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie

cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry

me: some of your colleagues are chasing me

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*

my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.