I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
You Might Also Like
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE