I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
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“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.
Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something