I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
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I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?
[eulogy]
line?
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
The legends speak of a third Duran…