Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?

My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.

me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.

Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.

Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.

Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc

THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any