“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
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My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Sunday
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.