“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
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My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
honey, bring out the fine china.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.