I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
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My son told me I should have a coffee detox, I was so upset I couldn’t sleep for hours.
That’s why… not cause he was right or anything
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Just met my Gen Z neighbors Jaiyszon and Kjimberrlley and their newborn daughter Paiyszleiyeigh.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so