Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.

PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.

“Bigotry”

-an Italian guy describing an oak

We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.

But I’m the one that needs meds?

“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

[when I watch tv & eat chips]

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

Only a mother’s love …

asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready

Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.

this year felt like being awake during surgery

Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.

Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏

Me: You have bruises??

Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.

Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?

Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok

POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call

i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.