i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
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last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.