i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
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Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
I hope Google never goes down. I know like six, maybe seven, things.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Lmfao
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television