Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!

Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?

ME: Getting out of corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?

ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?

ME: Guess this is my time to shine.

Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!

“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.

Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea

Me: ooo I love diarrhea

I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.

i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?

I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.

Me: can I borrow $20?

Friend: No.

*slides him $50*

Me: how about now?

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash

STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”

HIM: “This might sound weird…”

STYLIST: “Try me.”

HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”

STYLIST: “I got this.”

ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

[my deathbed]

Kid: Mom where are my shoes?

There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…

*Puts on sunglasses*

“Airline fracture”

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”

I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.

So I get it, squirrels. I get it.

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

[Terminator Academy]

Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.

Insecurminator: oh no!

luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?