I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
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babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
North and South
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any
have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once