Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.

[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that

I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.

I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture

NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

I texted my ex,

I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.

He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.

“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?

Bernadette.

[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?

I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”

Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired

[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys

I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes

When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!

ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*

13YO: wut?

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.

What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?

I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius

[2000]

Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice

ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure