I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
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The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method
Friend: what the hell does that mean
Guy: we ratatouille the horse
From Facebook just now…
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.