I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
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SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Worst perfume name ever.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”