I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
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Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I’m literally crying
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable