Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

*i put two straws in my drink*

gf: awhh 🙂

me: hell ya double barrel

*i use both straws*

Go gym

“TGIM!” – My liver

*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing

How do bananas greet each other?

“Yellow”

I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”

Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.

Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*

If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.

Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.

Dad: Are you hungry?

Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!

Dad: I was asking the dog.

Me:

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

All of these stories about missing campers.

Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.

no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?

Me: To show God we have our act together.

9: But he knows we’re lying.

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it