I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
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Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Worth a try
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*