I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again
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Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
🍞🦆
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.