I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again
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Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
This is why I hate group projects
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
This is my cat’s medicine.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?