I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again
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*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
What’s so funny?
