Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.

How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.

Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this

i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad

My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat

Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”

Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!

At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist

I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.

[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.

the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside

Anyone: what’s your favorite color?

Me: cheese

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going

Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love

My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?

ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?