Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Would you wear it?

If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?

I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.

me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*

I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter

FRIEND: This is a shoe

ME: Omg I can’t believe it

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.

If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.

First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

Me: I’m nervous about this interview

Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions

Me: That’s a good idea

Interviewer: It is a good idea

On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”

priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?

Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not

ME, 10: I want a big mansion

ME, 20: I want a cool apartment

ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest

If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly

Perfection.

Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser

*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*

The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.