i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
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Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
#JohnTravolta
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH