i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
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My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life