Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a wizard dating app called bumbledore

It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.

Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon

[house party]

ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?

HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?

ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?

What did the 0 said to O?

Ohio!

It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.

Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.

Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.

So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.

Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.

wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.

*to woman next to me in yoga*

how do you get the mat to stop curling back up

me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact

There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm

Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

*checks BMI chart*

*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*

Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.

Me: *throws watch into river*

[Voter registration]

Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals

Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”

Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?

Mugshot photographer: No

Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….