I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon![]()
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Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
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Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
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One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
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I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.