Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: you’re an hour late

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?

marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down

I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB

Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭

The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.

want me to check your oil?

I made popcorn.

Teen smelled popcorn.

I no longer have popcorn.

My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.

I think I’m on to something here…

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.

Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:

“All sails are final.”

Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday

how do lawyers not cry when arguing

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.

a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.

At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord

me: I just want some nuggets man

cfa employee: I Would Die For You

The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-

Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch