Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

Her: She’s too young for you.

Me: Based on what?

Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..

Me:

Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?

Me: living

I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat

grandpa was shocked

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.

Parents in the 80s:
Bye.

I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.

God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]

A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: I was raised in a working-class family…

If you wear enough cardigans people will assume you’re smart and you can stop reading entirely.

just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy

the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems

Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting

Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’

Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”

HR reminds us to proof read before sending

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.

I hate my earbuds.

My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

My wife is playing hard to get.

Rid of.