Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.

Ugh

imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it

(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??

British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭

Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house

From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

Condiments that would be cute baby names:

Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard

Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!

Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

CRYING

[the seventh day]

God: *walks in wearing bangs*

Angel: maybe you should rest

Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..

The early 2000s

My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool

Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys

People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.

A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.

ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–

SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.

ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

Cool shirt 🙂

well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.

Saving my good tweets for marriage

It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”

What a random, consistent, coincidence

Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?

I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.