I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
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TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Dudes named Chance never had one.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Not even remotely sorry.
We know he can swim but…
Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
having a job is cool but everydayyy???
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.