I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
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Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.