I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
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Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
My beach vacation Google searches
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
thank god
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.