I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
You Might Also Like
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills