I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
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For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
I WON A HAM TODAY
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
“We ride at dawn”
Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Autocorrect is my menesis
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY