Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.

“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”

Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue

I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.

professor x: what’s your power

me: time travel and a full head of hair lol

professor x: get out

[5 seconds later]

professor x: what’s your power

me, wearing a hat: time travel

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

My safe word is now just a dry cough.

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]

my phone: spam risk

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.

For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*

boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*

Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”

Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”

Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”

dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!

Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday

Dad: internet people aren’t real friends

Me: *to dm room* he says thanks

Me: Can I take a peak?

Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?

Me: *steals the top of a mountain*

My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺

That’s amazing.

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!

ME: Thanks I could really use the help

When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?