Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”

Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.

HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!

Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.

Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.

Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

*death metal voice*

BUTTERRRRRR

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself

Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.

To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.

Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes