I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.
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I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.