I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.
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Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”