Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Verizon: your online bill is ready

Me: ok. for what

Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.

“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement

Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.

This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.

Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd

My guardian angel deserves a raise

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.

Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.

I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼‍♀️

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.

Noted.

Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.

Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.