I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
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i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!