I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
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My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Day 2 of my diet
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.