I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
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Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction