I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Ores being fire proof makes me think maybe the Oreo doomsday vault is real after all.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
