I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Spotted in the wild
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
