I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Oceanography is all about current events
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Do one person every day that scares you.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Am I having a stroke?
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
