A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
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Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
I’ve started picking up dudes by walking into Starbucks and “accidentally” dropping my recipe for bacon tacos.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Mailed the last check. I official own a tomato I leased from Whole foods in 2009.
What exactly does BYOB mean?
“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?