I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
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People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
me opening up to someone
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
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