I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
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I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side