I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
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Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.