me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
You Might Also Like
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.