I know things are hard right now but I find comfort in the way we all quietly began using scrunchies again

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cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”


Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.



I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*


When I receive an invoice that says ‘early settlement would be appreciated’ I build them a Neolithic village.


Coworker: These heels are killing my feet but they’re so cute.
Me: These ugly Sketchers I’m wearing have insides made out of memory foam.


Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!

Me: Nothing in the second?

Her: No, I skipped a period.




Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.


If you don’t have anything nice to say, could you enunciate everything loud and clear?


Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.