Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”

Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!

Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!

Parents: lol no we meant a real job.

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

[ first day working at a pet store ]

customer: can i see that fish bowl?

me: sure let me get his shoes

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

Are rhetorical questions really necessary?

I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.

[1776]
America: We want the British out

[1931]
Australia: We want the British out

[1947]
India: We want the British out

[2020]
Britain: We want the British out

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.

Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.

Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me

Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.

8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.

Me: Your old shoes were red, too.

8: These are redder.

Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.

God: you’re a Squid.

Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.

God: what’s a Kraken?

Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.

God: wa-was that an ocean pun?

Squid: maybe, did you like it : )

God:

Squid:

God: you krilled it : )

What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go

ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.

Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!

#alternative

I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

“It’s been months since I got laid.”

– Baby chickens

Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad

Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.