I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
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Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
