Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?

interviewer: why did you leave your last job

me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops

[Sitting down at a restaurant]

Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

“He seems kind of rude”

“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”

“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”

We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.

Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!

Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.

It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia

JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT

[ first day in retail]

me: can i help you find something

customer: im just window shopping

me: we don’t sell those

A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”