I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
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going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Never forget.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview