I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
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It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.