Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken

Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape

Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head

“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what

HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?

Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.

“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails

Just me?

🍄 Convo at work today:

Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.

If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser

Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg

“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”

[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick

The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.

Gf: Let’s role-play

Me: Ok you be a writer

Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write

Me: ooh that’s good

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.

Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it

This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.

My wife has the worst taste in men.

i could never be president. im overqualified.

I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.

They wanted to talk to me about cheeses

It was to keep our furry overlords content😉

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet