I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
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Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
welp
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Rooting for the overdog