I know this is a show off post but feck it I had to share.
When you work hard all your life and you are doing so well you can treat yourself.
White was the only colour but it doesn’t matter.
I’ve just purchased four of these garden chairs!!
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it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
this has to be peak English
