I know this is a show off post but feck it I had to share.
When you work hard all your life and you are doing so well you can treat yourself.
White was the only colour but it doesn’t matter.
I’ve just purchased four of these garden chairs!!
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My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Thursday
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
My coworker told me I smelled good but immediately followed up with “you smell like my grandma” so I’m never using this rose oil shampoo again absolutely devastating
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up